I'm searching for something...

I'm searching for something... // -->

Friday, October 29

Went to visit him yesterday. Glad to see a nurse whom i feel is really kind towards him. She actually said that ".. ta hen ke ai de .. " From the conversation she had with my dad, i suddenly feel so remourseful. I felt guilty to have seen him in the wrong perspective. Each time i came, each time he held my hand, i can see the sadness in his eyes. He kept thinking... he's going to leave me. Each time he held my hand, i want to cry too. The thought of him leaving me one day, i know it's going to be terrible. I watched him ate the orange, i felt so bitter. Hai.. why... why do i still behave like this... I don't like this kind of feeling!

Dad.. don't say those things to me, i'll be scared.

Don't put me back to sleep. Don't bring me back to nightmares.

I won't be able to take it...

... will i?

*Sometimes you just have to hold your head up high, and blink away the tears.

Heli Dont ask me why 8:45 AM

Thursday, October 28

In School

Just finished my PW Idol Part 2. Lols. Not bad la. Fluent and got elaboration.
Can't wait for next tue to come. It will mark the end of the our OP. And then it will be celebration! =P

Can't wait can't wait!!

okok gtg. bleah~

*when i read the comment u wrote, haha.. it makes me happy. =D

Heli Dont ask me why 11:46 AM

Wednesday, October 27

Little Things.

[FF] xing2 - jayne lockheart :: heck. done. says:
haha i tell u smth i think v funni and.. ermm lols happy though nothing big
[FF] xing2 - jayne lockheart :: heck. done. says:
u know hor.. haha i play ff8 rite
[FF] xing2 - jayne lockheart :: heck. done. says:
den will encounter some monster de ma.. den need to fight them de
[FF] xing2 - jayne lockheart :: heck. done. says:
den got certain kind v v hard de ma. and need to fight v long time den they will die
[FF] xing2 - jayne lockheart :: heck. done. says:
but if i lucky then will have a guardian force auto come out to help me killed it de ma. den v fast.
[FF] xing2 - jayne lockheart :: heck. done. says:
so hor just now rite
[FF] xing2 - jayne lockheart :: heck. done. says:
haha i play den got one place everytiem got one monster i dun like de.. so hor i kept praying
[FF] xing2 - jayne lockheart :: heck. done. says:
haha
[FF] xing2 - jayne lockheart :: heck. done. says:
den guess wad
[FF] xing2 - jayne lockheart :: heck. done. says:
i din fight any of the monsters.
[FF] xing2 - jayne lockheart :: heck. done. says:
=D

Haha.. understand what i wrote? Not so chim la hor. Heh..

God is good. =D

"it is the simple things in life that makes us happy" - quoted from Happy Nu Ren

Heli Dont ask me why 2:00 AM

Tuesday, October 26

Another path to your destiny awaits...
You are indeed an interesting one
brimming with passion.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:55 AM

Saturday, October 23

Rain rain go away

"They came down harshly tonight. Both harsh and hard. Onto the brave souls that lived tonight. Headlights shone in the dark. Among all, there's one that's different from the rest. A blue light. The one that caught my attention."

It may not be the best, but it grew from a common destination was desired.

It wasn't the best, definitely.

But... we shouldn't look back, should we?

I'm filled with a mixture of guilt and right. We don't always have tomorrow, we are unaware of tomorrow. I've changed my views about tomorrow long ago. I used to think, tomorrow is just any other day. But tomorrow to me, now, is something that shouldn't be taken for granted easily. After what's done, i deserve a punch i guess but still, i would withstand any punches. What happened, is something i've probably thought of, and still i let it happen. Yet... it's the yet that's disturbing. I want to say sorry. And i truly do. to you. and you. Don't give a chance to unwants. I fear and i don't That's why i let it happen. Don't let it happen too.

I couldn't live a lie. Yet..
I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
I don't want to hold you back

Heli Dont ask me why 10:32 PM

shouldn't have said anything.

Heli Dont ask me why 7:33 AM

Friday, October 22

Hmm.. will be changing my layout soon.

"I thought i was walking closer to you, edging towards you step by step. But when i got nearer, you suddenly turned and left. You left me standing there, alone. I stood in the crowd, desperately reaching out for your hand, but i couldn't find it. Pushed, knocked, and i fell. I need someone to hold my hands... I need you to hold my hands. Only you."

Heli Dont ask me why 1:33 AM

Tuesday, October 19

I think i was insensitive today.
I think i need to relax a little more.
I think i need to be more polite to my dad.
I think i need to exercise more self control.
I think the weather today is just nice.
I think there's a stone in my shoe that irritates me the whole day.
I think i should catch a movie.
I think i should watch 2046.
I think i can don't eat dinner.
I think i really like to sit in a vehicle and enjoy the scenery.
I think it would be better if there's nice songs.
I think i would just love to spend my day in a car moving around.
I think it would be nice.
I think i need to work on my chinese more.
I think i can make it for at least a C if i really work hard.
I think tomorrow is going to be very exciting.
I think i should wear contact lense tomorrow.
I think i need to take care of my handphone cos i kept dropping it.
I think Bao is a good friend.
I think Changi beach is not as good as Punggol end.
I think i like sunset more than sunrise.
I think stars seen at Pulau Ubin are very nice.
I think i should really buy asic shoe.
I think grandfather can make it for the op.
I think i'm glad i went to see him the other day.
I think oral presentation is not my cup of tea.
I think my econs qn 1a) screw up lots.
I think it's hard to trust myself sometimes.
I think it's easier to lie.
I think i need baby steps.
I think you want to say something.
I think you're trying hard to figure what i'm writing.
I think i need you to hold my hand.
I think i need you to hug me.
I think i need you to look at me.
I think it's hard.
I think it's nothing.
I think i think too much.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:46 AM

Monday, October 18

So tired. Went to dou feng just now.
Went Changi beach and experienced so many planes flying over my head.
Kind of felt weird. But good la. I somehow don't feel stress with them around.

Boo. It's a new week. Think papers are coming in soon.
Wonder how grades gonna be like.

Will reveal them soon here.

Just wait.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:08 AM

Friday, October 15

Hillsongs - Forever

I'll Worship at Your Throne
Whisper my own love song
With all my heart
I'll sing
For You my Dad and King
I'll live for all my days
To Put a smile on Your face
And when we finally meet
It'll be for eternity
And Oh how wide You open up
Your arms
When I need Your love
And how far You would come
If ever I was lost
And You said that all You feel for me
Is undying love
That You showed me through the cross
I'll worship You my God
I'll worship You my God
I love YouI love You
Forever I will sing
Forever I will be with You
Be with You

This is the song that actually sort of "brought" feelings back to me these few days. Dont know why after exams i felt so ermm.. listless? And only till just now i heard this song, i felt a sudden warmth, and it's really good. So i decided to post it here. To remind me He is there.

To remind me.. it is Him. It is.

Forever I will be with You

Heli Dont ask me why 10:10 PM

"How far is everyone going? I can't hear anyone..."
"Once i catch up, i wonder..."
"Is everyone safe?"
"Will they welcome me with open arms?"

(You were looking at me... you smiled when our eyes met.)

Heli Dont ask me why 9:49 PM

Thursday, October 14

A little break from my game. Disturbed by thoughts. Unwanted thoughts.

I behaved as though they are strangers. No. It's familiar strangers. Strangers that i once knew. I was thinking, actually if i don't make the first move, no one will. Or rather, he has already taken a step closer to me, just that i don't know for what reason, i'm backing away. Sometimes i just wish things remain as it is. But i just couldn't imagine what will happen in the future.

I'm ashamed that i wasn't able to mean what i say, do what i should. Hope you really wake up from what i said. Action speaks louder than words. I'll await changes from you.

Back to my game. Somehow, i think my character's kinda like squall.

(then why is this i'm feeling...)

Heli Dont ask me why 1:14 AM

Wednesday, October 13

Boy in the rain

"...sis..."

"I'm... all alone."

"But... I'm doing my best."

""I'll be ok without you, Sis."

"I'll be able to take care of myself."

Heli Dont ask me why 2:11 AM

Monday, October 11

when i have thoughts, i've no chance to blog.
when i have got the chance, i find it meaningless to do so.

So yeah.. i've few entries lately. mei you yi yi he bi blog.

"we actually walked together...
but why did we allowed people to pass by us?
why did we choosed to be apart when we can just stay side by side?
why did i choosed to lie to you and not lie to you further?"

But.. you wun know what i'm saying will you?

Heli Dont ask me why 2:00 AM

Saturday, October 9

Wanted to be alone, yet yearn for one to be with.

Scared to be recognise, yet want to be noticed.

- I walked along the road. Scared to pass by someone i know of. I looked at the cars on the road, fearing one of them belong to my friend, my family. When one car beeped, i would be scared that it was for me. I avoid crowds, avoid people. Why. Why am i so scared to be recognised? -

Heli Dont ask me why 10:17 PM

Friday, October 8

My Night

There's light tonight becos of you. Thanks.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:17 AM

Sunday, October 3

Think quite pointless to go on rattering about my mood now. Insecure. Unsafe. Scared. Please pray hard for me to go through this hurdle. This time round, i cannot allow myself to fail. No please.

and if you want to help. just pray hard for me. thank you.

- No matter how rush a person is, when she knocked down a glass, how can she not be bothered by the impact of the shatterings... how can she just leave without picking up the broken pieces? -

"Ready? Get set? GO!!"

Heli Dont ask me why 10:18 PM

Saturday, October 2

Coke (or maybe soft drinks) makes me breathe hard. Dunno why. Maybe generate lotsa air in my stomach and then compressed my air tube or what you call that. Now i've difficulty breathing. On top of all these, no appetite to eat lately. Perhaps it's pre-promo sydrome.

Hmm 2 nights and i'll be taking my first paper. General paper. To tell the truth, i'm really not confident in this paper at all. Firstly, it's not something like you can prepare or study. And then, my english really isn't good. Sighs. Just pray hard i can get an easy topic to write on. And the rest of the subjects too. Think this whole process got me so freak out. Each time i just lie on my bed and about to doze off, i would just inevitably think of panicking in front of my papers.. questions after questions.. and all i did was to leave them blank. Sighs... I really don't wish anything bad to happen to me. or to any of my classmates. Somehow that time when we saw mr ng, he said something like want to see all of us up in j2 next year, the feeling is beyond words and hard to comprehend. All i know is i just want and have to work hard.

(>.<)

have faith in yourself heli.

Heli Dont ask me why 9:12 PM

Friday, October 1

if you let me dream of her...

then...

why did you take her away from me in the first place..

Heli Dont ask me why 4:14 AM

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